Cookie madness

Toddlers are cute as can be, but sometimes they're not quite right in the head.

My little guy was over-the-moon excited when I said we could bake cookies for a treat this afternoon. He wanted to carry the three pound box from the freezer to the table. He dropped it on his feet when I gave in and let him hold the whole weight of it, but he wouldn't have been happy until I let him try. So he gave in and let me put them on the table, but he wanted to open the box. More frustration ending with me opening the box. He was eager to help put them on the pan and proud of his big boy skills. Then he grabbed a frozen cookie and took off into the living room. No amount of coaxing would get it from him, so I put the pan in the oven and put away the box before trying again. I went to get the frozen cookie only to find him eating it. So much for baking cookies! Raw cookie dough that's been frozen shouldn't be a food poisoning hazard...I hope...

12 weeks is a long time

I know part of my writer's block has to do with my emotional state. My recent loss is still a weight on my heart that I struggle to carry daily. I worry about how much this is affecting how I handle mothering my children. I also worry about its affect on my marriage.

I don't know what to do about any of it because 12 weeks is such a long time to get used to the idea that life is about to change again. It's a long time to think about adding another soft, sweet, special little person to your world. It's a long time to remind yourself of the sights, sounds and smells that melt your heart. It's long enough that now that I've reached what would have been the middle of my pregnancy, I still can't completely grasp that there will be no new baby for me in the spring. I still feel phantom pregnancy signs. I've wasted money to take tests to make the reality settle into my brain, but it won't. I tell myself it could be a faulty test and then start all over again trying to grasp reality in some other way.

I don't know how long it will be before I accept it and move forward, but I know that if/when I am blessed with another pregnancy, the world will turn upside down again and I won't be able to accept the reality of that until I have a live baby in my arms. The irony in that is almost too much to handle, but I'll keep carrying my burden and grab onto any balloons of hope that happen to float by and try to use them to the best of my feeble abilities. If nothing else, this Bad Mother is stubborn and can't keep from trying even the missions that are unachievable.

Writer's block continues

I'm not sure what causes the weight of emptiness to settle into my brain when I sit down to write, but I am hoping to get rid of it soon.

You know what's crazy?

Crazy is a woman who complains about rambunctious boys one day and makes superhero capes for them the next day. They spend so much time tying on baby blankets and trailing bed sheets behind them, that it only made sense to save some washing and safety hazards by making simple capes that fasten with velcro. Great idea! That is, until there's a 7 year old leaping from one heap of pillows he's spread throughout the house to another or the 3 year old "flying" from the couch and knocking over the toddler in his wake. I believe I could successfully claim insanity and get them to let me have a nice, cushy rubber room all to myself...

Cold weather

It can be an enemy to the best of mothers on the best of days, but a couple days with active little boys unable to play outside for more than a few minutes at a time can cause this Bad Mother to tear her hair out. Oh! My! Word! The business of running and jumping and yelling that boys must do in the course of every day...(my eyes are bugging out of my head here) They have fought and thrown hard objects at each other and nearly broken their own necks the past couple of days, but even colder weather is coming for the weekend and I believe we're going to need padded walls for me.

What really reminds me of my Bad Mother status on this one is knowing that we live in one of the warmer climate zones where they get to play outside regularly until October or November and can start going back out regularly by March or April. If we lived in a cold climate where they have snow starting in September? I'm quite certain they'd have to put me in a straight jacket by the beginning of warmer weather. I have immense respect for the mothers who can tolerate little boys being wild animals while stuck indoors for six months of the year. Yowch!

Over half way through NaBloPoMo

Woohoo! I didn't even think about it until today. I'm over half way and I haven't completely dropped the ball on writing. I am still dealing with a bit of writer's block, but I will march on and get past it. I have a million topics a day, so they should eventually hit me at the right time, right?

I hope I not only get the gears lined back up, but that I will have developed a habit of not going to bed without at least writing something on my blog each day. I've really found this to be a great outlet. It's good to have some record of the cuteness and the crazyness and even the exhaustedness of life with little people and also to find friends who don't mind reading all this rambling. Thank you!

Contemplative

I've had several post ideas bouncing around back and forth in my head lately, but when it comes time to write they're not there. I want to make notes to myself to write about them, but I think if I get any bit of it written my brain will stop formulating. Yes, I know that sounds a bit crazy, but it's a solid fact of motherhood that what you write down becomes history and no longer sticks in your head as something to be finished. The written item holds that piece of your brain for you, so your brain lets go and picks up something else to run with, like the latest talent displayed by one of your children or the latest household project or even just the dinner menu. Any or all of them can and will flood into the space left behind and sweep out any vestiges of what was there before.

It's funny to me that in the days before I had children, I could easily jot down writing ideas for college papers and whatnot and pick right back up. But now that I'm more capable of handling life in general and dealing with the intricate details of the lives of several other people, I've lost that. Motherhood changes you in so many ways and it is sometimes very interesting to notice some seemingly insignificant change affecting your life in new endeavors when you least expect it.

Comfort objects

I found myself thinking about comfort objects last night and wonder what other people's children pick since mine have each been so unique.

My toddler has picked a motorcycle with a man on it that has been beaten up, broken and painted yellow. He found it in the backyard a few weeks ago and has had it in his hand at least half of every day since. I'm assuming that the thing was taken outside and lost a leg thanks to the dog. So, I'm pretty sure it's only slightly more sanitary than the toilet seat. Every attempt I've made to turn him to a different favorite has been met with demands for "Cycle!!!" and you can't argue with that. He insisted on sleeping with it last night...smacking me with it several times and waking up screaming "Cycle!!!" when it fell to the floor. What a thing to pick for comfort, but they don't let us pick. We just get to be Bad Mothers for letting them have this or that or for taking away this or that...we never win, but just so long as they don't lose, I guess it's still good, right? ;)

Well, crud...

My pre-schooler did something very funny earlier and I had planned to post about it, but now that we've had several boo-boos, overexertion issues and a sick dog I can't for the life of me remember what it was. I sure hope it comes back to me later. We were rolling on the floor laughing and I'd hate to think I didn't have that one saved for posterity...

Shopping is always good...

for reminding you of your Bad Mother status. With the struggles to get everyone ready to go and the discussions of what those staying home want, you're already on a bad foot. Then you get to the store and have: 1) a near-miss with a car backing out of a space you didn't notice, 2) a child who is ready to run up to the store before another is out of the car, 3) a shopping cart pile-up in the entrance while you allow your pre-schooler to get a cart for you.

And you've only just arrived at the store! There's so much more! There are tempting end-cap items at every stop for little hands to grab, your usual products are moved from their usual places to cause you to spend more time looking around, other products you want have disappeared from the store entirely and they've changed the packaging on anything else you wanted just to make sure a half hour shopping trip turns into two hours.

But wait! We're not done there! Your pre-schooler will hide in clothing racks causing a momentary panic attack, your toddler will become whiny and clingy and you will not have the mei tai, every stray toy in the store will find its way into your cart and when the cart is impossibly heavy your toddler will fall *asleep* on you.

Now you're ready for the check out lane (that's five miles long)! Woot! That entails more struggles over shiny end-cap displays, sneaky efforts to pull unwanted items from the cart in such a way as to avoid any meltdowns and the joy of trying to unload and reload things one-handed while still keeping the toddler asleep (because you know he'll cry and be even harder to handle if he's awake at this point).

At the end of this two hour adventure, you will tell yourself, "NEVER AGAIN!" until the next time you need to go shopping and have little people at your feet asking, "Can I go, too?" And you melt from the puppy dog gaze...

"those" days

You know the ones, where you feel like you never really woke up in the morning and you managed to drag to the end without a solid grasp on anything that happened? Well, it's been one of those...It's not really the kind of day that inspires any worthwhile posting. Sorry...

Ouch!

Just now, my very sweet 7 year old came to me after a half hour of flipping through old photo albums and asked, "Don't you have any pictures of me when I was a baby?" and my heart was ripped from my chest and stomped upon...

"Yes, we have baby pictures of you. They are packed up and I'll pull them out for you tomorrow."

My husband and I were most certainly living the moments more than documenting them back then because his mother had died shortly before I became pregnant. I hope what I have will be enough...I hope one day to explain the reality and have it be understood...so much love and enjoyment and just not wanting to waste a second of it...

Adventures in showering with a toddler

Having a toddler can make it difficult to do even the most basic daily tasks like showering. Most days I don't manage to get up early enough to shower before he's up, so I just take him in the shower with me. This gets us both clean and keeps him (mostly) out of trouble.

This morning's shower was a typical example of how things go.
Mommy: "Are you ready for a shower?"
Toddler: "No shower!"
Mommy: "I'm going to get a shower. You can just play in the bathroom while I bathe, then."
Toddler: (seeing Mommy getting into the shower)"Bath! Shirt OFF!"(his way of asking to get in)
Mommy: "O.K. there you go. Clothes off and in the tub we go."
Toddler spends time playing with a toy car and picking up shampoo and conditioner bottles to hand to Mommy.
Mommy washes her hair, then moves out of the water so toddler can play while she bathes.
Toddler begins spinning and making light gasping noises while Mommy is occupied.
Mommy: "What's the matter? Did you turn off the hot water?"
Mommy moves the toddler and steps under the icy waterfall to readjust the temperature. Toddler is pleased and Mommy can finish up and get out to let him play a bit more while she dries and dresses.
Mommy: "Time to get out. I'm turning the water off."
Toddler: "Back ON! No water off!"
Mommy: "It's time to get out and dry off. Then we can get a bagel."
Toddler: (nodding head emphatically)"Bagel. Breakfast."

I have some version of this same scene played out at least 6 days a week. (I sometimes get a solo shower on the weekend.) I know tons of people who would be horrified at the idea of having to share a shower ever, let alone almost all the time. This, however, is one of those bad mother moments where I know it's all good. He'll be too big for it and too independent all too soon...

Digital scrapbooking

Today, we worked on the usual household stuff and I tried my hand at some new stuff with our pictures in between. I learned really quickly that it is going to be extremely fun and a serious time-suck all at once. How awesome is that?! As though I needed anything else to add to the mommy guilt, this is a two for one punch - guilt for spending time working on scrapbook pages on the computer and guilt if I don't do something to preserve the memories of my children's childhoods. Aaaack!

I was hoping to share my newly created page, but, alas, Photobucket is having a brain burp and won't allow it to show up after my last edit...

I have a reader!

Woohoo! Thanks for letting me know you are reading. I'll try to get better at this and be more interesting, soon. :)

If you are reading...

I'd like to hear from you. Just a "Hi!" in the comments would be cool. I am still trying to figure out a plan for what topics I might address in the coming weeks, so if you have anything you'd like to read about or chat about, I'd like to try to get some chatter going.

If I'm talking to myself, that's okay, too. Being a mommy, it's kind of a built-in mechanism for maintaining sanity. Oh, the irony! LOL!

I figured out pictures

After a lot of goofing around, leaving the kids to trash the house, I finally figured out how to get a picture on here yesterday. Woohoo!

I would like to do a regular Bad Mommy moments picture. Add that to my list of plans yet to be accomplished, but hey, at least I'm closer to being able to do that one. ;)

picture test

bad mother moments captured for posterity...

Still not much progress

I've still got unfinished posts in the cue waiting for my brain to come around. I want to be too perfect, I guess. I know it won't be my best work and it's all about just trying to be better and yet I still freeze up. I'm a work in progress...very slow progress, but every little bit will get me closer to the prize, right?

I wonder how many other mothers spend their days paralyzed in one form or another by this very same problem. I sure hope I'm not the only one.

Drawing a blank

I had an idea for a post earlier, but it's been a busy day in the world of child juggling and I'm just going to put this up and hope the other idea comes back later.

Busy

watching the world change...will write tomorrow...

Bedroom stalemate

When children have kept bedrooms in bedlam for weeks, Mom has to step in and do something. The trouble is that since Mom does not have ownership of the stuff, she can't in all fairness be the one to make the stay or go decision on most things.

Enter the bedroom proposition: Children decide what's kept or tossed and they make the room so that Mom can come in to help. If this is not done by Mom's appointed deadline, Mom comes in while children are out and scoops up anything and everything into big, black trash bags of doom.

Now the children have to make the choice and take action or face the consequences, but that's only the beginning of Mom's trouble. The children still only have half the work or less while owning the whole mess. They pick and choose or they don't, but Mom has to come in and work either way. Then, when one child picks one way and another picks the other way, one or both will end up feeling that they got the worse deal.

"It's not fair!" is the battle cry. Child who chose not to decide to Mom: "It's not fair that you took away all my stuff!" Child who picked the keepers and tossers to Mom: "It's not fair that I worked so hard to clean up my stuff and you didn't make him/her!" Mom to all children: "It's not fair that you guys make big messes with all your stuff and any part of the clean-up has to be my job!" Who wins? No one really, but Mom definitely loses all the way around. Hmph!!

Confession #2

My children don't know that they had a new baby sibling on the way. They don't know that I lost that baby a little over a month ago. I want to tell them so they understand why mommy is off her game, but I don't want to tell them because I also don't want them to be upset about it. I know I can't have both and I don't know which one will do more harm. This is one of those dilemmas where you know the mommy guilt is going to get you either way, but it sure would be nice to have a crystal ball to help make the decision.

And so begins NaBloPoMo

I am joining NaBloPoMo in hopes of developing the habit of writing regularly. I wanted to have a nice queue (sp?) of posts to put up all at once about each of my children. I've only written about one so far and not posted because it wasn't finished, so this seems like a good way to make myself do what I need to do. I hope it works.

First confession

I believe all mothers have regular moments of feeling like they are bad mothers. I hope that having an outlet for some of my bad mother moments will make it easier to see them for what they are and not let guilt weigh me down. I also hope that seeing these moments from a different angle will help me to catch some of them before they happen and make the best of things when I mess up.
Maybe I'll even be lucky enough to have some fellow bad mothers show up and commiserate...